Night Walks

So another thing about me: I'm very opinionated.

Last time I went to church, I disagreed with the preacher. He was talking about the 'abundance of life'. He asked: is this it? He suggested that God promises life much more abundant than that we are living now, he said that the world was not meant to be as it is now, with suffering and pain and boredom and dissatisfaction. So far this fits in with Augustinian theodicy. According to Augustine, the world is essentially imperfect because of humanity's own sin. Personally I think I prefer Irenaean theodicy but that's only my own opinion. Where I really disagreed with the preacher was when he started suggesting that some people have life more abundant than others. He expressed a  belief that those who go on adventures and cross oceans and help to convert thousands of people probably know a lot more about life than he does. He thought that if he could somehow serve God better, through mission or something like that, his life would be more fulfilling and more abundant.

I am wary of this belief. Many modern day Christians seem to be of the opinion that the only (or most important) way to serve God is by preaching the Gospel and sacrificing our own lives as they exist now. "Take up your cross" they say. But for me, this is stepping backwards. There isn't just one way to serve God, and there isn't just one calling. I reckon a lot of Christians go through life feeling that they aren't good enough because they haven't chosen to become missionaries or church leaders. And this is wrong. We shouldn't feel guilty because of what we don't do. We can't do everything, but as long as we do what we're doing to the best of our ability, and do it ethically, and do it not purely for selfish reasons, then we should be proud of our lives. One of the benefits of the introduction of Protestantism was that every calling was recognised. People are built for different things and we are all equal. Saving the economy or growing food or manufacturing goods or generating energy or providing transport are all important: God calls for prosperity in every sphere of life.

Abundance of life - whether you are Christian or not - is not only about hoping for a better life. The point is that living is something that we do in the here and now. It is present tense. For a long time I bottled my feelings up and blocked off my heart to the world. Now I am the complete opposite. I'm not scared to feel whatever's inside me, because being Christian means I know that no pain can break me. I appreciate that many people aren't religious and don't have this comfort, but either way I am still certain that living isn't just about the good, it's about the experience. The other week I cried about something that happened to me in the past. I was suffering and it hurt. But at the same time I knew I was lucky because at least I could feel it. At least I wasn't so far gone that I couldn't feel my pain. Hurting is bad, but feeling nothing is worse. Feeling is what makes you know you are alive. And don't get me wrong, that's hard. Especially when the pain is so sharp you think you're going to break, it seems easier to cut it all off. And I'll admit, there's pain I've never experienced. There's evil and sadness I've been lucky enough not to see. But I am so glad that I feel things now, because for a long time I shut my emotions off and numbed myself. It was a survival strategy, but though I was surviving I wasn't letting myself live life in its abundance. But now I know I'm alive.

Hope is a good thing. I'm not denying that. I'm not saying we shouldn't hope for a better life or that we should be content with what we've got. We all deserve better. Society should be fair, everyone should have an equal chance of happiness. We can all hope for more. But to wait in hope at the expense of living? That's tragic. And it does worry me that a lot of people (Christian or not) spend their days wanting something more rather than appreciating what they've got. Abundance of life is about seeing the beauty in everything. It's about being happy just because. It's about being ecstatic doing even the most mundane of chores. I personally find happiness walking in the dark listening to music. Often sad music. The melancholy can be beautiful, every good artist, poet and musician has seen that. It's why I like the Romantics. And once you find beauty in the dark places, and happiness in the light, then you feel alive no matter what emotions are flooding your system. So I for one want to try to appreciate who I am and what I feel, rather than spending my time wishing I was someone better. Because I can be ambitious and I can strive for self improvement, but it won't help me now who I can be in the future if I can't be comfortable with myself in the present.