Night Walks

So another thing about me: I'm very opinionated.

Last time I went to church, I disagreed with the preacher. He was talking about the 'abundance of life'. He asked: is this it? He suggested that God promises life much more abundant than that we are living now, he said that the world was not meant to be as it is now, with suffering and pain and boredom and dissatisfaction. So far this fits in with Augustinian theodicy. According to Augustine, the world is essentially imperfect because of humanity's own sin. Personally I think I prefer Irenaean theodicy but that's only my own opinion. Where I really disagreed with the preacher was when he started suggesting that some people have life more abundant than others. He expressed a  belief that those who go on adventures and cross oceans and help to convert thousands of people probably know a lot more about life than he does. He thought that if he could somehow serve God better, through mission or something like that, his life would be more fulfilling and more abundant.

I am wary of this belief. Many modern day Christians seem to be of the opinion that the only (or most important) way to serve God is by preaching the Gospel and sacrificing our own lives as they exist now. "Take up your cross" they say. But for me, this is stepping backwards. There isn't just one way to serve God, and there isn't just one calling. I reckon a lot of Christians go through life feeling that they aren't good enough because they haven't chosen to become missionaries or church leaders. And this is wrong. We shouldn't feel guilty because of what we don't do. We can't do everything, but as long as we do what we're doing to the best of our ability, and do it ethically, and do it not purely for selfish reasons, then we should be proud of our lives. One of the benefits of the introduction of Protestantism was that every calling was recognised. People are built for different things and we are all equal. Saving the economy or growing food or manufacturing goods or generating energy or providing transport are all important: God calls for prosperity in every sphere of life.

Abundance of life - whether you are Christian or not - is not only about hoping for a better life. The point is that living is something that we do in the here and now. It is present tense. For a long time I bottled my feelings up and blocked off my heart to the world. Now I am the complete opposite. I'm not scared to feel whatever's inside me, because being Christian means I know that no pain can break me. I appreciate that many people aren't religious and don't have this comfort, but either way I am still certain that living isn't just about the good, it's about the experience. The other week I cried about something that happened to me in the past. I was suffering and it hurt. But at the same time I knew I was lucky because at least I could feel it. At least I wasn't so far gone that I couldn't feel my pain. Hurting is bad, but feeling nothing is worse. Feeling is what makes you know you are alive. And don't get me wrong, that's hard. Especially when the pain is so sharp you think you're going to break, it seems easier to cut it all off. And I'll admit, there's pain I've never experienced. There's evil and sadness I've been lucky enough not to see. But I am so glad that I feel things now, because for a long time I shut my emotions off and numbed myself. It was a survival strategy, but though I was surviving I wasn't letting myself live life in its abundance. But now I know I'm alive.

Hope is a good thing. I'm not denying that. I'm not saying we shouldn't hope for a better life or that we should be content with what we've got. We all deserve better. Society should be fair, everyone should have an equal chance of happiness. We can all hope for more. But to wait in hope at the expense of living? That's tragic. And it does worry me that a lot of people (Christian or not) spend their days wanting something more rather than appreciating what they've got. Abundance of life is about seeing the beauty in everything. It's about being happy just because. It's about being ecstatic doing even the most mundane of chores. I personally find happiness walking in the dark listening to music. Often sad music. The melancholy can be beautiful, every good artist, poet and musician has seen that. It's why I like the Romantics. And once you find beauty in the dark places, and happiness in the light, then you feel alive no matter what emotions are flooding your system. So I for one want to try to appreciate who I am and what I feel, rather than spending my time wishing I was someone better. Because I can be ambitious and I can strive for self improvement, but it won't help me now who I can be in the future if I can't be comfortable with myself in the present.

Disaster at work.

Today at work was pretty busy. Over summer I've been waitressing in a cafe (although I'm saving money in the attempt to prolong my student years by doing a masters in September). So I was rushed off my feet, serving customers, talking in a high-pitched sing song voice and smiling a lot. But then, as it began to get quieter and I turned round to see the mountain of washing up by the dishwasher (anyone who's ever worked in the catering industry will realise how disheartening it is to see those dishes balancing precariously upon one another) I realised I had a problem.

I could not for the life of me get the milk to froth properly for a cappuccino. And this was devastating because we'd had training only this morning. But, I realised, I had missed the cappuccino part. Some customers had walked in and I'd been stuck toasting bread whilst the perfect frothing action had been explained.

Now I've been making cappuccinos since I worked at a hotel over a year ago. But the problem was...now I had seen how they were meant to be done. My sub-standard cappuccino would just not be good enough after I had seen and tasted the real deal.

So I held back the tears as I presented an imperfect cappuccino to what I knew would soon be a complaining customer. As she walked outside I  honestly had to go and wipe the tears from my eyes as I felt I had not lived up to my barista training. My manager saw I looked upset.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"You need to show me how to make cappuccino milk properly" I just about managed to say, before running to get some tissues.

Five minutes later me and my manager were by the till and the woman who I had served coffee to came back in. I held my breath. She came over to talk to us. I though I better at least smile at her as she complained. She addressed my manager.

"This girl makes the best cappuccinos this side of Italy". She said. "I can't drink Starbucks or Costa or any of them because they're just not good enough, but that was  a really good coffee".

I guess I should have more confidence in my skills.

Introducing myself a little.

Some old friends of my dad's came to see him at work today. Because I work for him at the moment, I was briefly introduced before I went back to work. As I was working I overheard them talking about me.

Dad: She's just graduated.

Friend: What did she study?

Dad: Theology.

Friend: Do you mind if I ask, why theology?

Dad: I don't know. I guess it was the only rebellion she could have with me as her dad.

And whilst it's true that there's not much I could do that would surprise my father, and that becoming a Christian when I was sixteen could constitute a rebellion from my atheist upbringing, that's not why I chose to study theology.

I've always liked philosophy, but you always get to a point where you end up stuck in an argument with no clear winner. And the more intelligent you are, the more likely you are to realise that you can never quite be sure that your answer is the right one. You end up stuck in stalemate in a metaphysical chess game.

But with theology, there's practical relevance. If you're working out what makes somebody human from a religious point of view the answer is meaningful because it affects how you treat people in the real world. If being human is about being rational, then those with learning or mental difficulties could be excluded from this definition of humanity. This is problematic because it raises the question of who deserves human rights. If being human is about having rationality, then those without it wouldn't qualify for certain human rights, which is obviously a problem.

Furthermore, understanding the relationship between religion and society tells us about how we function as a community. It tells us more about how people act and why.

Plus, doing theology means you get to study a bit of everything: history, philosophy, politics, literature...

And that is why I loved my degree and am planning to study for a Masters in September.

So now you know a little more about me. See you soon!

To be anonymous, or not to be anonymous?

My first blogging challenge has reared its ugly head. This is the first hurdle in my blogging career, and I must confess I'm a little stumped. The dilemma is this: I must decide whether or not to reveal my true identity. Writing anonymously is appealing for obvious reasons. I could talk about whoever I like in whatever way I like. I could tell you my most intimate secrets without ever really revealing myself. But most of all, I could be whoever I wanted to be. I wouldn't be restricted by my own weaknesses - I could be the more confident, more intelligent, more beautiful version of me. Freedom awaits me...

But, and this is a big BUT, it wouldn't really be me, would it? If I just pretended to be someone else then...what's the point? Maybe the whole point about writing anonymously is that it does just show my weakness. I'm scared to put my name to this blog in case I feel like a failure. And if that's freedom then freedom is underrated.

Plus, my friend Plum already knows I'm starting a blog, so my secret wouldn't really be a secret at all. Talking of Plum, I'm starting to feel a bit daunted by this whole thing.Writing something entertaining is a pretty hard task when the only blogger I know (Plum) is actually a pretty awesome writer.

Introducing myself would be a good place to start. I'll begin with some facts about me:

1. I’m doing a Masters next year, a.k.a. I haven’t been able to get a job.
2. I’m a pirate. No, I’m not kidding, my family’s been traced back to 1606 and we were Cornish smugglers. Therefore...
3. I like to drink, (mainly rum). Is it a problem when you’re pouring a glass of Schloer with dinner and your friend asks if you know that it doesn’t contain alcohol?
4. I wrote my dissertation on Harry Potter. No, I didn’t think it was relevant either.
5. I recently spent £130 in Ann Summers.
6. My house is haunted by a ghost called Rob.
7. My house has also survived a flood, a fire and an invasion of fruit flies.
8. I use the term ‘survived’ lightly. It’s still standing. Just.

Maybe I'll tell you a bit more about these things next time. In the meantime, I'm going to quit while I'm ahead. If you haven't stopped reading already that is.